Days go by

I want to send you a message.  I want to hear your voice.  And then I stop myself and remind myself that it wouldn't matter. It's over. It's over because I said it was.  Because I got tired of waiting.  Tired of not mattering. 

You can have a twin flame and not end up with them.  The thought stabs through my heart...but it is what it is.  You can't make someone love you and you sure as hell can't make them be with you.

I would say "maybe next life" but there is no next for me.  I have felt for a long time that this was my last one.  I don't want to waste it.

The things that save you can also break you.

I never thought I would be the kind of gal who needs saving.  The whole damsel in distress was not my kind of thing.  I didnt rely on people for emotional support.  Was pretty much closed off from people. 

Then I lost my dad and then my sister.  My dad's health wasn't so great so I guess I was waiting on that call.  My sister was unexpected.  I lost it.  I spiraled and I didn't know how to stop the flood of constant emotion. 

Who knew that my "salvation" would show up in the form of a 24 year old guy.  I wanted to feel alive and do stupid things.  And I guess I thought, who better?  Surprisingly, we had a lot in common.  Conversations were pretty epic, even though the age difference... 

We had adventures.  He's what kept me alive.  Everything else was going to shit but those adventures are what kept me going.  Maybe I did fall a little. I knew that it would never amount to anything.  It was what it was. 

He said that he met me during a sad time and it could never be anything.  I found that funny because I met him at the worst time in my life. 

I'm not sure he knows that he saved my life.  For that I will be grateful for. 

Two years

When you sit back and no longer have the emotional attachment, you see things for what they were and what they now are.  You also see people for who and what they are.

My heart still aches...but it is what it is.

It can't rain all the time.

Its drizzling.  Reminds me of the first day we saw each other.  We stood there talking for what seemed like hours.  The first hug.  The firsts always seem so amazing.

The process of getting over someone is hard.  Especially when you don't want to.  I had such hopes and dreams.  Maybe it's the fact that they aren't going to happen, is why it hurts so bad.

In the beginning, you were so sweet and charming.  I melted over and over.  I thought, this is it.  This is what love is supposed to be like.  I let you completely in.  Something I had never done before.

I'm not sure I will ever be able to do that again.

You said it was grief that changed things.  I know grief so well.  I guess where you shut down, I became all feeling. 

This sucks.  I find myself crying at the stupidest things.  And you would think that after all this time, it should be easier to accept.  But how does one fully accept that the plans you made will never happen. 

Initial changing.  I held on to that for so long.  That and you said you mean what you say and say what you mean.  It wasn't enough was it?

You stopped saying you loved me.  Stopped being nice.  Just became this angry heartless person.  I guess what hurt the most is that you didn't even try to understand how much you hurt me.

Yeah, I know you will never read this...but I need it out.  I need the words out there so I can read them.  So I can understand and not make the mistake again.

Lessons learned. 

Once Upon A Time

Funny thing about fairy tales, they make you believe in Happy Ever Afters.  It starts with Cinderella and then goes to every single story that Disney ever made for the big screen.  You meet a Prince, fall in love and live out your days in bliss...hopefully in a large house or castle.  The sad part is, that is all that it will be.  A story. 

They leave out the struggles.  The fake people.  The guys who find some sort of joy of making you miserable as you wait for them to decide that they want you.  The narcissistic men who make you feel like you are worthless and that they are a God waiting to be worshiped.  And for some reason, you do.  No matter how bad they make you feel, you wait.  You try to convince yourself that they are worth it....even when they are not.

I never said that I was an expert in love, but I thought I was smart enough to not fall for the usual BS.  Thought that I knew when someone was lying to me and could tell if someone was good or bad.  Well, I was wrong.  Trust me, I hate admitting that I was wrong.

I had reached the bottom of my downward spiral.  Had landed flat on my ass.  My dad had died in 2014, my sister in 2015 and finally my mom in 2016.  After my mom died, I had reached all I could handle.  A friend messaged me.  Or should I say someone I knew?  Classification is always hard to do at points.  Anyway, his mom died too and we began talking a great deal.  So much in common.  Such a charmer.  I found myself smiling a lot and just had this warm feeling.... so I thought my spiral was over.

That would be a no.  It began the second spiral.  You see, I fell in love with this guy.  Head over heels.  Nothing like I had ever experienced before.  I honestly felt like I had met my split apart...or twin flame.  Like the same person, only split in two.  In the beginning, it was great.  And I fell without having hardly any physical touch other than a few hugs.

The issue.  He was married and my marriage was ending.  So naturally, I thought that we would both get divorced and be together.  Wrong.  Oh was I wrong.  He didn't leave.  Time passed.  Still didn't leave.

Guess what??

He never left.

2 years....and he didn't leave.  Various excuses.  Then one day, I was tired of waiting.  Tired of putting my life on hold.  I made my thoughts and feelings known.  Over and over again.  Yet nothing happened.  Again, excuses and then suddenly everything was somehow my fault.  And that, is when my mind changed....and my heart followed suit.  I had been the one waiting.  I had been the one putting my life on hold and his was still going.  Vacations... sex, he was still doing that.  Just not with me.  I was blind....and probably stupid.

My life had changed....his hadn't changed a bit. 

I won't go into the things done to keep me around, or the time he showed up where I was to restart things and confuse me that much more....only to not do a damn thing again.  It's not worth it.  But what is worth it....is me.

I am worth it.

There wasn't a happy ending.  There were many lessons though.  I learned that there is me and I needed to take care of me.  If someone loves you, they fight for you and if they don't...then they didn't really want it.

It's sad.  I loved him with all I had... but it wasn't reciprocated.  But I learned from it.  Now to just apply it the next go round.  If there is one.