Funny thing about fairy tales, they make you believe in Happy Ever Afters. It starts with Cinderella and then goes to every single story that Disney ever made for the big screen. You meet a Prince, fall in love and live out your days in bliss...hopefully in a large house or castle. The sad part is, that is all that it will be. A story.
They leave out the struggles. The fake people. The guys who find some sort of joy of making you miserable as you wait for them to decide that they want you. The narcissistic men who make you feel like you are worthless and that they are a God waiting to be worshiped. And for some reason, you do. No matter how bad they make you feel, you wait. You try to convince yourself that they are worth it....even when they are not.
I never said that I was an expert in love, but I thought I was smart enough to not fall for the usual BS. Thought that I knew when someone was lying to me and could tell if someone was good or bad. Well, I was wrong. Trust me, I hate admitting that I was wrong.
I had reached the bottom of my downward spiral. Had landed flat on my ass. My dad had died in 2014, my sister in 2015 and finally my mom in 2016. After my mom died, I had reached all I could handle. A friend messaged me. Or should I say someone I knew? Classification is always hard to do at points. Anyway, his mom died too and we began talking a great deal. So much in common. Such a charmer. I found myself smiling a lot and just had this warm feeling.... so I thought my spiral was over.
That would be a no. It began the second spiral. You see, I fell in love with this guy. Head over heels. Nothing like I had ever experienced before. I honestly felt like I had met my split apart...or twin flame. Like the same person, only split in two. In the beginning, it was great. And I fell without having hardly any physical touch other than a few hugs.
The issue. He was married and my marriage was ending. So naturally, I thought that we would both get divorced and be together. Wrong. Oh was I wrong. He didn't leave. Time passed. Still didn't leave.
Guess what??
He never left.
2 years....and he didn't leave. Various excuses. Then one day, I was tired of waiting. Tired of putting my life on hold. I made my thoughts and feelings known. Over and over again. Yet nothing happened. Again, excuses and then suddenly everything was somehow my fault. And that, is when my mind changed....and my heart followed suit. I had been the one waiting. I had been the one putting my life on hold and his was still going. Vacations... sex, he was still doing that. Just not with me. I was blind....and probably stupid.
My life had changed....his hadn't changed a bit.
I won't go into the things done to keep me around, or the time he showed up where I was to restart things and confuse me that much more....only to not do a damn thing again. It's not worth it. But what is worth it....is me.
I am worth it.
There wasn't a happy ending. There were many lessons though. I learned that there is me and I needed to take care of me. If someone loves you, they fight for you and if they don't...then they didn't really want it.
It's sad. I loved him with all I had... but it wasn't reciprocated. But I learned from it. Now to just apply it the next go round. If there is one.
